I had a terrible childhood and one of the things I remember, that maybe took longer to heal, was that, as a child I remember praying at bedtime and asking God not to let me wake up in the morning, and so every morning when I woke up, I was so disappointed and heartbroken that I would have to endure another day. I don’t share this from a place of anger or sadness, not any longer, but from a place of peace. one day at school I remember a teacher asking me what I would like to be when I grew up, and at that moment I realised that all I wanted was to survive each day, and that my life was so different from the other children.
I somehow survived and existed and found myself living a daily life which didn’t give me any happiness or joy, but which was away from what caused me pain. I realised that I was living my life in the shadow of myself, only doing what everyone expected me to do, and even then, I couldn’t get it right. I now know that I didn’t have maturity, knowledge or wisdom to be anything but a robot with a routine, just doing what had to be done.
One day I made the decision that I wouldn’t wait, and that I was going to have to end this internal pain myself. I left home and started walking without a destination or plan, but I knew what the end goal was going to be. I walked past a building that said, ‘Brighter Futures’ and I thought, how ironic, and even had a little laugh to myself. At the same time, a woman came out of the building and asked me if I was ok. This wonderful lady took me inside and listened to me for hours, on a Friday night. She sat and listened, and that day was the start of my life.
She kept all her promises to me and helped to be the person I didn’t know I could be.
I started reading many books on positivity and spirituality, and day by day, I was more and more equipped to fight my own thoughts, and at times, just accepting that they were part of me.
Slowly, I started having this wonderful pure feeling of joy for the little things in life and I was looking forward to what was around the corner. Many times, waiting around the corner was another lesson I needed to learn, but by then I knew that I was worthy of anything and everything, and that no matter how painful it was, it was just temporary.
I had never felt good enough for anyone but now I realised that the only competition was with myself, to always be a better version of me.
I discovered weight training, and this became like meditation for me. Now, I not only look bloody amazing but, oh boy, I think I am amazing! The inner healing was in such a fantastic place, next I needed the external visual to match the inner feeling. So, as if by magic, the universe decided to lead me onto the path of a wonderful woman who just so happened to be a gifted tattoo artist, and the outer transformation started and continues to this day.
Many contributed to my growth, my joy, my happy moments, but my inner peace and my constant want to do better, to make a difference and to be kind no matter what, that came from me. It had always been there, and I finally found it.
Above it all, I had been my own saviour.
And you can too x
Marcia, I am forever grateful to you for sharing your story with us. I know I can speak for all readers when I say we are incredibly inspired by your strength, courage and bravery. You are a truly phenomenal queen. Lucy x